Dec 7, 2011 by ArkieYogini
I’ve had an epiphany of sorts in my yoga practice, although it’s one of those things I feel that I’ve known all along but only recently came to the surface. The majority of the actions I take in life seem to revolve around a series of goals or desires — big or small. I used to want to have a prestigious job, make a lot of money, and feel “successful” in the eyes of those around me. I went down that road, worked as an attorney, and discovered that life wasn’t for me. I spent years (too many years) unquestionably working for a goal — but without stopping to enjoy the moment. I found myself so caught up in schoolwork, clerkships, and passing the bar exam that I never stopped to check in with myself and see how I was doing. I was too busy chasing the goal. And in the end, I suffered for this lack of present awareness. I ended up working in a career that wasn’t right for me — I was downright miserable. And it literally took an act of God to break me out of the patterns I’d locked myself into.
When I discovered yoga, I thought it was the answer to my counterproductive behavior. Somehow my yoga practice would liberate me from decades of bad habitual reactions…as if the sequencing of asana or the ratio of breath had some sort of magical power. All I had to do was show up on the mat and do my practice, right? I wanted to believe it. But as the years went on, my pattern of chasing after goals continued. The grooves that these patterns carved were deep, and there was nothing “magical” about the yoga practice to break me free. These samskara slowly but surely worked their way into my yoga practice, and I found myself setting little goals — dropbacks, arm balances, leg behind the head postures, etc. When I started a sitting practice (with good intentions, mind you), I eventually found myself chasing after certain sensations or lack thereof. The same thing started happening with pranayama — I’d discover a sensation or thought or pattern, and I’d look for it again. Always chasing after something — always looking forward to the next thing.
I’m not saying that there’s anything wrong with setting goals. Goals are what help us move forward, to progress, to make us “better.” But sometimes we have to step back during the process and ask ourselves why we’re always grasping. Because too much grasping can lead to a loss of the present moment. If we’re always reaching for something (the next yoga posture, the bigger raise at work, a bigger house, etc.) then we may wake up at the end of our lives and realize that these patterns of chasing goals and grasping for the next big thing caused us to miss out on enjoying life.
So that’s what I’m trying to bring to my practice these days — a sense of enjoyment and/or awareness of whatever is going on. If I find myself forming a goal, I try to stop and ask myself “why.” If it’s a valid reason, I’ll move forward…but not blindly. In this process, I’ve found that many of my previous goals have fallen by the wayside. They no longer have any importance to me. And I feel like I’m left in some sort of in-between place where I’m just practicing being present. It’s not always enjoyable, but it seems like the right place to be at this moment in time.
xoxo Kathryn
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Just an ordinary yogi trying to find some sort of balance in my day-to-day life. When I'm not practicing yoga, I'm busy splitting my time between the office where I work as an information systems professional, being a wife to my super-rad husband, gardening, blogging, working-out, oh...and teaching yoga.
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